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Growing In Trust

Trust is something hard to put your finger on. Sometimes I don’t want to think about where or why it gets lost. I just know it can be hard to grow back once you believe it’s been violated.

Why is it so hard to trust God through loss, disappointment, trials, and suffering? I think it’s because we want to be God. We want the world to be as God originally made it to be. This desire is strong. We get angry because of the tension between what is and what we know it should be.

I have not been trusting well because I was so angry at God. Harboring this inside my entire life has made me lonely, isolated, bitter. I destroyed every opportunity God sent my way.

Accepting my disability and the way God made me has been my greatest challenge. I still struggle and always will want to be freer in my ability to communicate. I don’t know why God gave me such an intense desire to communicate, yet such a difficult time doing so. I am so frustrated that my body won’t say the words in my mind. It’s like I have a blockage between my brain and my tongue. The harder I try to speak, the greater the disconnect.

I can spell with one finger but it is painfully slow, tediously long, as I try to express my rapidly exploding thoughts which continue to bombard my brain. I cannot understand what God allows. I have to trust that He is good. Nothing is too hard for Him. Learning to wait on His timing, no matter how long or hard the circumstances, takes a strong relationship with someone I can trust.

How do you grow in trust?

Spending time with Him learning what he values. Right now I listen to the Bible on CD. Right thinking is critical for me to keep myself in check. Take small steps of faith. Focus on what you can do with gratitude. Believe that He will do what He says in the Bible and wait. Making time to pray is important to communicate your thoughts even if they are silent cries.

Where are you growing in trust?

Trusting only in God’s power in me,

love Jacob.

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