Anticipating the Worst

May 20, 2019

Jacob’s May 2019 Blog

"Friday is my favorite day, because I know how much I want to go to
church on Sunday. It means I have another day of good anticipation. I
live so much in my mind that it is more fun for me to anticipate than to
actually do.
Can you imagine not being able to do what your brain wants to do?
I mean well, but have trouble behaving the way I want. It is more fun for
me to dream than to do. I guess it’s because my body stores up so
much fear inside that I cannot enjoy the experience of doing. I know it
sounds weird, but I am captive to my rebellious body. Even the
anticipation and fear of possibly hurting others makes my body act up. I
start hitting myself and the fear level cycles upwards. I want so badly to
control my fear but it is in control of me.

 What can I do to control this anxiety?
I know all the scripture verses, breathing, and know it is irrational but it
still has control of my body. You may not believe me or think I am losing
my mind, but it is like I am living with a rebellious person who wants to
destroy me. My body has its own will and desires.
Did I mention that I cannot speak?
Therefore everyone believes that I am what my body does. Nothing
could be further from the truth. I am actually a tender, sensitive soul
trapped in a violent, aggressive horrible body that I cannot control. I
long for you to know the real me inside.
Have you tried?"

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